I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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