Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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