remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
