I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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