You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
