so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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