Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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