Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
