im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
they need to just BURY HIM!
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
