I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So gin and wine won't be happening again
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
