she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
