I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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