Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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