She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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