Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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