I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
