I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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