sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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