booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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