I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
