What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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