Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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