There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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