Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
