I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
