i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
