i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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