you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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