I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
