Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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