i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
