Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
