i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Randomize
