my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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