so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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