Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
