There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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