Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Randomize
