Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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