She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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