Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
