Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
