Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I would ride that face into the sunset
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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