just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
