Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We need a shit load of segways right now
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
