Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
