youre lurking in front of me
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
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