____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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