A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
