she looked like the bat from fern gully.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
