get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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